We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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