the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
