well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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