I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
