You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
