Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can you repeat that, but with context?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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