I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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