My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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