My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
