Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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