Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one