i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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