My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
