someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
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Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me