a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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