We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
