Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
