god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
