Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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