Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
