apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
