sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
