Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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