the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
