Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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