he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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