My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
