I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
