running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
