why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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