I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
