plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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