Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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