i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
