i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
