They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
