I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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