I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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