Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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