there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
