I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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