I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
