Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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