I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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