Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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