Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
