I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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