I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
