I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
