Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
