Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
