they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
