I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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