My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
