the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
