you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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