P.S. I can't hear my feet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
