I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
