the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
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He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.